Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow

It’s one of those days, you know the days that seem like all the others? 

So I’m driving into a shopping centre car park, and an old man crosses the road in front of me. The man - white wispy hair, crotchety and bent over - takes no notice of my approaching car…  I think it strange that he walks in front of me but lost in my own thoughts at the end of a busy day, I merely steer around him and park the car.

Before I know it, he is standing next to my car, a little too close for comfort. His piercing blue eyes hold my stare and capture my thoughts.

“Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow”, he says, with a clarity and firmness uncharacteristic of a man his age.

I look around – no one else seems to notice this man. Why is he talking to me? He looks at me again, eyes focussed and shining intensely.

“Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow”, he says.

I stop, my heart skipping a beat. What is he talking about? I sit lost in my own thoughts for nothing more than a few moments, and then a car behind me honks its horn bringing me back to ‘reality’. The man is gone – I wonder how he could move so fast after standing next to me just a few moments ago? I lock the car in a hurry, and run into the shopping centre looking for the man.

As with many matters of the spirit, it takes a while for the practical mind to comprehend what has happened. I’m not saying I understand it even now, but it takes a little while to sink in and metabolise a moment when destiny knocks. Spirit had tapped me on the shoulder - as I stood looking at the man with the piercing blue eyes, old and frail as he was, I saw myself. I saw my own age catching up with me, his words 'Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow' ringing through my consciousness like a herald call.

Where am I?

What am I doing?

Why am I doing it?

My heart screams out for me to listen. My head asks questions and seeks a rational answer. My body is buzzing, knowing that deep truth is being spoken. I ponder deeply. 

Before long, I find myself back at home, unaware of where the past 45 minutes had gone. I walk inside and stand looking at the mirror. Familiar piercing blue eyes hold my gaze.

Flapping about in the dust

A fish, torn from the water by a fisherman’s hook, lies flapping on the ground. It does not know why the current situation does not work, but it just doesn’t. And all the flapping in the world will not resolve the situation, but the fish goes on flapping.

I look around and see a lot of flapping going on… I see it in the mirror particularly. But unlike the fish, I know that I’m flapping. I know the current situation does not work, and I long for the ocean – if I could only work out what the ocean was FOR ME. How about you? Been flapping much lately? What’s the ocean for you – do you know? Are you looking, or have you, like the fish, become contented with flapping…

Apples and trees

For a long time I’ve been an apple, growing and falling and rolling. The tree that gave me life is still ‘around” but I’m now facing a shift – a shift from being an apple to being a tree. My loins have borne fruit and the love of my life carries child in her womb – soon a new apple will be born and I’ll be the old tree, nurturing, life giving, protecting as the apple grows and eventually, letting go as the apple falls and rolls away. And so the circle of life continues its sacred journey…

Mistaking movement for action

I’m walking down the road, cause it feels like it’s the right thing to do. Everyone else is walking and I don’t want to be a lazy so-and-so. But I get the feeling that I’m caught up in the momentum of movement without having a greater purpose, a sense of meaning to the steps that I take. What is my goal? When I arrive at the destination, will I be happy that I have arrived? Will I be expecting the outcome, or will I be surprised…so this is where this road goes.

Yep, I’m caught in the trap, mistaking movement for action. It’s a common trap, looking good in the eyes of others but not having a clue if my frenzied activity means anything to me. When I arrive at a commonly celebrated destination, such as a work goal or a physical fitness pinnacle, and there’s no emotional thrill, no feeling of achievement, no pride in a job well done, then I can tell I’m on the wrong track. Don Juan, Carlos Castaneda’s famed mentor, adds perspective here:

Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions.

Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Ask this question: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. If it has heart, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.   

Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realises that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.

Honest, idealistic, scary.... perfect. I can taste a re-evaluation coming my way - time to flip the switch.

Note to self

I'm waiting, waiting for something, waiting for the right time, waiting for the perfect conditions... 

But what am I really waiting for? Do I know? Do I have the courage to admit that I don't know what I want? Or is that I’m scared – scared that when I admit to myself that I know what I want, then it means that I have to DO something? 

Do I have the balls to step it up and invest the energy for something better? Or, to put in realistic terms, do I have the balls not to step it up, and waste it all away – ready to sit in some rocking chair and talk shit about how good I used to be, but I just didn’t get the opportunity to ‘make it big’. 

So note to self: What am I waiting for? Stop waiting – take the leap…

A new day

I sit high in the mountains gazing east as the sun rises, and am touched with awe in the pre-dawn light as I witness the shift from night to day. The mountains beneath my feet watch as they have for many hundreds of thousands of years, sitting in apparent timelessness yet paying homage to daily change symbolised by a rising sun. In the surrounding trees, myriad birds sound out their calls, stopping their busy lives if only for a moment to claim their part in this day.

The change from night to day focuses my attention on the shifting sands within my own body. In just two days’ time, tomorrow will be yesterday, so I stand at the brink of this day – with awareness that this is the only ‘today’ that I have. A new dawn, the birth of another day, breathes new promise into my life. I too, standing tall, claim my part in this day.  The path that I walk is filled with deepened consciousness as I commence a new cycle, the 36^th year of my life on this earth. In testament to the change that I face each day, I pay my respects and stake my claim.

Age

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. 

So goes a poem written about passed Australian war heroes. And on the day of my birth, I ponder the number that always increases, always more never less - the economist's dream. The path of my life - that which I choose, and that which chooses me - takes many twists and turns. New challenges appear where routine once stood, old challenges fade, or transform, or disappear. The friends of yesteryear are but distant memories - only the precious few remain, a testament to the timeliness of the spirit. That which is useful for my journey appears at the right time, and will remain for as long as either of us require it. To grow is to feel loss, for when I grow, that which remains unchanged is lost.

My struggle to maintain links to long distant memories is a challenge to growth of my spirit - my attempt to keep in contact represents my resistance to lose something that was once dear to me. But I know that divine, spirit food is current - in the NOW - and trying to save it for sustenance on a future day will not work. Thus I face my resistance to change.

I give thanks for the gifts I receive, and for the warriors who graced the battlefields that I once fought upon. I pray for more gifts to light my way. I pray for the friends that come and go, for the instruments of the spirit who have given so willingly so that I might prosper. I pray that I too become an instrument of the spirit, so that my words, deeds, and presence grow something in the people that I come into contact with.